Parts of this work first appeared on this blog under the title, Omowashe Omorishe.
Fear to Fall is set in the sights and sounds of the boisterous city of Lagos chronicling the life of a career-driven Nigerian lady in the banking sector.
The twist and turns of life’s curveballs are thrown unexpectedly; the intertwining ofromance, friendship, loyalty and family drama leaves you captivated and wanting more. To what length would you go for the one you love? This is a book to tuck away and lose yourself in the wonder of contemporary Nigerian romance told in a first-person narrative. You would love, laugh and cry with the characters.
Available only in ebook format on #okadabooks #applebooks #amazon#rakutenkobobooks #tolino #vivlio #barnes&noble #scribd #baker&taylor #overdrive #24symbols #bibliotheca
Some friends are worse than enemies. If you find a good one, keep them close, for they are diamonds.
The weekend came faster than she expected. Good thing she had a date with Emma. Dunni did not know how much she had missed their time together until Emma showed up with their favourite wine, Barefoot Bubbly Pink Moscato. Dunni had ordered the ice cream and masa, and some grilled spiced meat popularly called suya.
Wearing a mini jeans skirt and a yellow fitted tee-shirt, Dunni slotted the USB drive into the Samsung TV and settled to watch the Matrix.
It was an intense two and a half hours film. Anyone seeing them would have thought they had exams to write after the movie.
“Gosh! That was so my movie!” exclaimed Emma. There should be a sequel.
“Yours truly is a Nigerian. If the film does not have part 2 or 3, then it is not complete. The film is okay as a standalone.” Dunni argued.
“Well, I still feel there should be more.”
“You could write to the producers,” Dunni teased.
“I just might,” Emma replied, seriously thinking of it.
“Wow! Now I have to face the not so nice part of driving home when all I want to do is go straight to bed. “You could sleepover but don’t know how many husbands will let their wives do that.”
“Definitely not Greg.”
“I am surprised that he has not called you all this time.
Emma laughed. I warned him not to monitor my time out. He had the kids to himself and will see me when he sees me.
“Hmm, is that the boss lady speaking or Emma, the docile wife,” Dunni teased.
“Boss lady, sometimes we mothers and wives need the time to let down our hairs and be girls again. We get too bogged down with our roles as wives and mothers and forget who we are, what our dreams were and who we wanted to be. Then the kids are out, hubby has made a good career. In contrast, we have either gotten stuck in a flexible career or remain sit-at-home mums feeling defeated, and that the world is our enemy.”
Dunni looks on thoughtfully.
“Aww, should not have said that,” Emma apologised.
“None of what you said is wrong. It makes a whole lot of sense and useful information for the future when I fulfil my mother’s wish of taking on the MRS title,” replied Dunni.
Emma looked at Dunni with remorse. “I have to ask you for forgiveness before I share this with you and I don’t want you to be offended. The last time you called me, I was a little bit off because I had allowed someone to mess with my head. Don’t ask me who but I was told to be careful of you being a single lady and all…. The possibility that you may have something to do with my husband. An affair or a love child whatever. I was stupid to let that get to me,” she grimaced.
Dunni sat stunned at Emma. “You believed that crap about me?” asked Dunni, disappointment was written all over her face.
“I am sorry, Dunni. She had shared the story of two friends we knew who used to be really close, and the other friend had her children for the friend’s husband. Every time her friend asked her who the father was, she never said, and they were tight friends. All the while, the two women had kids for the same man only that one was married and the other was outside. They were tighter friends than we are. I don’t think it was the intention of the friend to go after her friend’s husband. Just that stuff happens, and I shudder to think such should happen to us.”
“It is depressing that you could think that of me. I would protect what we have with my blood, Emma if it means me going out of your life for good I will do it before such evil befalls us. How can you even think about it? That I will go after your husband. This is crazy. You have messed up with my head too. Gosh, good for you to share but bad for us to still be close friends.”
“What do you mean?” Emma stuttered, seeing the angry look on her friends face.
“I mean, our friendship is over. I can’t come near you or your husband without me thinking that somewhere you may have thought I could cause a rift in your home. I am not that friend and trust has been broken the moment you believed I could betray you.”
“You are joking, right?” Emma asked, shocked at Dunni’s reaction.
“No, I am not, I can’t be friends with someone who finds it so easy to think the worst of me. If you don’t mind, I think I need to be somewhere now.”
“I am sorry, Dunni.”
“Apology accepted. We can be acquaintances, but we can no longer be close friends.”
Emma felt Dunni was taking this out of proportion, but nothing she could say or do at this moment will change her mind, so she grabbed her bag and car key and left.
Dunni did the same as soon as Emma was out. She drove around aimlessly until she found herself in front of Moses house. What was wrong with all her friends? Her mother stopped mounting pressure on her while her friends had picked the baton even her gate man appeared not to be left out!
I played with my phone while I waited for JK to finish his call but was distracted by the aroma of fresh stew coming from the kitchen. My stomach growled in defiance, and I struggled with concentrating on the email that just came in.
It was from Meena! I gazed at JK, he was still busy with his phone. I scanned the email, and the news brightened my day in two ways, money and a step towards my goal. She insisted I get paid for my service as her lawyer to start her divorce proceedings. She wanted me to draft the divorce papers, email her to sign and deliver to JK.
“Is that good news?” I almost passed out. Wasn’t he on a call any longer?
“Just an email from a client,” That was not a lie, it just wasn’t the absolute truth. I needed to get in touch with Meena if this was what she really wanted. The moment the lines were signed. I will have my chance as the next Mrs JK.”
A rumble from my stomach reminded me I had not eaten this morning. That aroma coming from the kitchen was doing its number on me. Cooking was not my thing. I left that to Meena and Sa’a. I was not leaving here without a bowl of what the witch mother or mother- devil was cooking. I would kneel at her feet if that was what it will take.
“The Private Investigator got caught in traffic and has turned back. He wanted to find out if you had had any form of contact from Meena; call, email, watsapp, liked or commented on any of your post on social media posting.”
“Are those the questions he is asking?” I asked in disbelief.
“When he should have been out there gleaning every information, he can lay his hands on. If need be, hack into phones, systems, databases etc. I began to doubt his capabilities the moment you said he was waiting on the airline authorities for the airlines’ manifesto. Where did you get such an incompetent fellow from?” I fumed and to be fair to the guy he had asked a valid question no matter how irrelevant it sounded but I was not going to tell JK about this recent email yet. I still needed to read the email properly and strategise my next line of action.
“He was recommended to me as the best in his field.”
“This is someone who has not been able to give you a clue in three months of Meena disappearance? I am not sure what field he is playing in,” I shook my head appalled at JK’ s slowness to relieve the guy of his duties if he was not delivering on the job.
“I can recommend one or two of the guys we use in my law firm,” I offered. Holding my breath if he would take up my offer. I knew just the right guy he would work for both of us and only release the information I wanted him to and when. The universe must have my back on this mission as everything I needed appeared to fall within my reach with ease.
“Send the best out of the two to my office tomorrow. I don’t have the luxury of time for interviews and a selection.”
“Not a problem, I would do that as soon as possible.”
“Hauwau,” JK called my name and paused. He appeared to be struggling with what to say. My heart lost a bit as I paused, wondering if he had finally seen the light -to see me for who I am. The woman who has been forever in love with him. My hopes are high, and the two or three seconds were like eternity.
“I know you women don’t like me now. You think I have let your friend down. I love her from the first day I set my eyes and will love her till I die. There can never be anyone for me except Meena.”
I could strangle JK right now. How blind and dumb can men be? He is professing his love for Meena who will serve him divorce papers, and here I am ready to jump at any affection he throws my way. Yet, he treats me like a piece of furniture.
“I have to be going,” I announced abruptly, ready to leave when the whiff of the aroma from the kitchen hit my nostrils.
“Can you help with a bowl of your mum’s stew, please?”
“Irresistible?” he winked at me, and my heart dropped to my feet. I was drowning in this my one-sided love affair but convincing with time, he would fall in love with me eventually. I shrugged unashamed – stew I must have o! if I can’t have the man today.
He laughed, the first I had heard since this whole Meena’s disappearance saga started. Giving a glimpse to the guy I fell in love with many years ago. I loved this part of JK and wished he could return to his old playful self. These days, he was always looking stressed and worried. Not even clinching the multi-billion telecom deal in the country, the first week Meena left could make him loosen up. He shut to prominence the week Meena left. Sadly, she was not by his side to celebrate this milestone.
JK went into the kitchen and came out with a bowl of stew, leaving my mouth opened to a perfect O. I looked behind him half expecting to see witch mother behind him with some choice words I deserved for stealing her fresh fish stew. Technically she hadn’t given me.
“How did you get Mama to release her stew? I would have gone myself; it was that easy.”
“I’ll take this away,” JK held the bowl, leaving my outstretched arms dangling. “You can go and get yours from her.”
“Not so fast, JK, I was only joking. You need to hear her words to Sa’a and myself earlier today. I swear she hates us.”
“She does not. She is only hurting like every one of us is right now, but we all have different ways of handling situations. She’s like a porcupine lashing out at others with her pines while trying to protect herself. The girls were her world.”
I am dumbfounded. It appears we were talking about two different people but hey who cares, I got my stew, and that’s cool for me. I still need her far away from her son, though.
“I have a gala night in my honour by the State Governor next weekend, you want to come? I could really help with a known face for the night,” he asked. The confident suave JK was looking so unsure.
I did not want to sound so eager, so I asked if I could think about. My dreams are all coming true.
I need to start work and speed up Meena’s divorce proceedings. But first, I must make a call to her mum. I doubt the call she mentioned to JK was Meena’s first call. I am almost sure she knew where her daughter was and had been sworn to secrecy. The attorney-client privilege afforded me the right to know all the details of my client, and mummy dearest had better start talking.
I recall the first day I met JK. It was the summer holidays, and I had gone to a party with my cousins who were friends of JK. I was introduced to him and got blown away by this handsome bloke. He had Denzel Washington oozing from his being. I was tongue-tied and unable to say any intelligible word except a hello that was so low I was not sure if I had voiced it out or it was in my head. The warmth in his smile that lit up his eyes and the surge of electricity in his handshake shocking me to reality was all I could think about after our meeting. Thankfully, I was saved from further embarrassment when Abdul, my cousin, pulled me to come to meet another friend.
All through the party, my eyes kept going back to have another look at this Adonis. At the end of the party, although we never spoke, I was swooning that I had found my prince charming. JK was the boy for me. I declined all advances from other guys saving myself for JK, convinced without any doubt that the universe will cause our parts to cross again. Then he will profess his undying love for me.
A year later. Our parts did cross, and he professed his undying love but not to me. JK was a social butterfly. Once I had that information. I was at as many parties on campus, but he never acknowledged my presence. It was like we had never met. I was crushed but never gave up that he would come around and suddenly realise I was the yin to his yang.
Tired of going to these parties. I had practically dragged Meena who was nose into a novel she was reading to a party. My heart somersaulted in ecstasy as JK walked his way towards us. Finally, he recognised me and would profess his love for me.
The shame and disappointment I felt as he walked over to Meena. I watched him as he took the book away from her telling her she was at a party and not the library. The humiliation of choosing my friend he only met seconds ago over me was one I could not easily forget. He smiled at me and nodded his head as he pulled her to follow him to the dance floor while she gazed at me helplessly to come to her rescue. I did what any girl would do and smiled back while holding the tears that threatened to fall, pushing Meena towards him playfully.
I left Meena at the party that night heartbroken. She came back furious I had left her at the party and how she looked everywhere for me. JK had walked her back to campus. He had come every day to our room chasing Meena who was not interested.
They finally started going out in our her third year on campus. By then, I had come to the sad reality that JK was oblivious to my existence and only knew me as Meena’s friend.
The day they started dating was the day; my hatred and dislike for him began. Meena could not understand it despite much prodding.
I told her I was not sure he wouldn’t hurt her and I did not want to see her hurt.
How could I tell my friend that I loved the man she was dating? I learnt to live with it. Gave in to the first guy that asked me out and married the first guy who proposed marriage. My heart was devoid of love. It could only love one guy that I could not have.
That was all in history, and I have the power to write my future. I was not going to sit back as I did many years ago. I was going to take destiny into my hands and do what I should have done long ago.
Meena has left him, and I would help him pick the pieces of his broken heart. My love alone will be enough for both of us.
It’s been three months and no one has heard from Meena. I can’t understand how someone can disappear in this age and time with no clue.
JK’s private investigator is yet to come out with any meaningful leads. He is still exploring all the airline manifesto on the day she left. I have been beside myself with worry while trying to calm her mother that all is well. JK is a shadow of himself. He is barely functioning, a shadow of his former trying to keep up with his daily routine of going to work and keeping the company running.
The whole saga started with Bimpe overhearing JK’s mom complain of Meena not able to give her a grandson. The plan conceived and executed to get JK in the same hotel as her with her boyfriend as an accomplice.
It was all a lie to siphon money from JK and you could visibly see the weight off his shoulders from relief when she confessed he did not touch her and the baby was not his.
The length people can go for money is alarming but the length people would go for love is disarming. This is where the real story begins.
It’s been no hidden secret that I have never been a fan of JK the perfect boyfriend turned husband and like all other men I tolerated after my husband with his philandering ways had done a number on me. I am not bitter. I mistrust and deal with them from afar. I can’t trust this foolish heart of mine not to fall in love again. I was aloof and dealt with the opposite sex on a professional basis with my guards up. One of the old recipes of love budding is time spent together. The extreme is love at first sight and the modern day is “what you can get” defining love.
As I stepped out of my car, Sa’a was also driving in. So I waited for her in the hot sun blaring down my face, fishing for my Gucci shades in my bag, I wore them and walked over to join Sa’a.
We were here because JK had requested we come over to the house for a meeting with the Private Investigator who had told him of some leads but wanted to ask questions to some theories he postulated. So it was basically another boring and senseless questioning session.
I turned to the direction of the sound of a car coming to the driveway and there was Meena’s mother- in- law getting down from the car even before the car came to a halt. We stepped forward and offered a greeting she snubbed.
“That foolish friend of yours with her erratic ways will not be the downfall of my son. She could not give him a male child and has the guts to make trouble. I warned JK but he would not listen now he has to make his bed and lie on it. I hope he has the common sense to start thinking of getting a new wife to replace her fast.”
We both drew a sharp breath unconsciously shocked at the venom in her words. Meena had given us some of the stories of her encounter with the woman and the no love lost between them but we did not know how bad it was.
She looked at us queerly.
“What are you doing here anyway? Your friend no longer lives here so you should not come here anymore, or is one of you hoping to take her place?” She asked with a smug look I wanted to slap off her face should she have been another woman.
We were saved from answering when JK drove in. He was behind the wheels with the driver in the passenger seat.
He came down, handing the key to the driver who now drove the car out to run some errands.
My wayward heart did a somersault at the sight of him. He had grown his beard, although looking unkempt but handsome in a rugged way. His eyes were red from lack of sleep. My heart reached out to him and I reminded myself this was my friend’s husband. I can’t go there. Yes, I hated JK or so I made myself believe. It was my defense mechanism over the years but more from him choosing my friend over me. I had secretly loved JK for as long as I can remember before Meena came into the picture. Meena joked that whatever I wanted I got, what she did not know was the only thing I ever wanted so badly and I never got was hers yet she had willingly thrown him away.
They say heartbreak is the worst pain, but I think it’s fair play compared to betrayal.
My love, best friend and confident. I could trust JK with my life. I could overlook a casual affair as time goes on, but a constant reminder of his adultery packaged in what I had not been able to give him was a pain akin to no other.
It’s been three days of hell. Funny how the pain from my thought and speculation that there was someone else dulled to what I felt now.
My brain has not been able to process beyond the fact that JK had a child outside with someone else while we were married.
What game was destiny was playing on me? Okay, it had never bothered us the sex of our kids. We had two lovely daughters, and nowJK had a son to carry his name that was not borne by me.
Where did I go wrong? How did I get so careless that my husband was now in the league of those who had children outside wedlock?
I stole a look at him beside me on the plane back to Lagos.
We had not spoken since he dropped his bombshell.
Well, that will not be true. I was the one who has not talked to JK. He had been doing all the talking, but he could have been speaking to the statue of liberty or the statue of the three wise men in Lagos.
He begged, apologised and asked me to meet out any punishment I wanted, and he would gladly observe. He promised me heaven and earth, but I was far gone to care whatever he said.
There was no using crying over spilt milk. JK did commit a sacrilege to our marriage, and its effect will be in our lives forever.
I still did not know my next step. I was exhausted and still in shock.
My life and all I had built with JK had come crumbling down like a pack of cards.
The silence in the room could break a glass. I was screaming on the inside but uttered no word. Weeping yet no tears. It was one thing to speculate and conclude but another to find out all your fears had come true. Worse still, someone had given your spouse what should have come from you, but you have been unable to provide.
“Say something,” JK whispered.
Why was he whispering anyway we were still the hotel room.
I refused to look into his eyes or acknowledge his request.
It was over between us. I knew that as sure as I knew my name, but I had no clue what my next plan was.
I had lost faith in the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life.I had lost faith in marriage, and it’s promise of forever.
I had lost faith in myself that it was possible to hit rock bottom and still go further down.
I sat and stared at nothing. Then I felt JK’s hands like a scotch of fire. I withdrew mine instantly. I could no longer bear any close contact with him.I did not need some days to work this out.I knew it was over for us.
I take a mental stock of what we shared and still can’t understand how we got here.
We sat there saying nothing. JK was speaking, but the hurt would not let me hear the words or make sense of his pleas.
Yes JK was in tears, but I was beyond any emotion.
I had returned to who I was before we met – “The ice queen.”
The girl with a wall built around her heart to shield off possible hurt by friends.
I had my close group who could never match the ice queen to the hot, fun living girl they knew but that was my defence mechanism.
And today that girl had returned. I would never place myself in the position to be hurt again.
I loved the thrill I got from the shock in JK’s voice. The one-minute silence before the barrage of questions. When did I plan the trip? What was I going to Paris to do? Who was with the kids? Why did I not discuss this with him? What is happening here? When are you coming back? To we need to talk when you come back. As the questions flew like gunshots, I was fuming and daring him in my head to forbid me from making the trip. I had thrown caution to the wind and wanted to hurt him in every possible way, so he felt the same pain I felt at finding out, I was no longer at the top of his priority list. I had been displaced by someone else.
Was I curious? Yes. I wondered who she was. What she looked like and what attracted him to her. Am I going paranoid? My daily browsing through his phone convinced me he was about to or into an affair. Although, I still had not confronted him with on what I knew. Somehow I wanted it to be a lie, hoping that by not talking or acknowledging, it would all go away. I was hurting and lashing out. There was no rational or logical approach to my recent actions.
I ended the call entirely satisfied. It was just the beginning. I was going to make JK pay and go through the same hell I was living in now.
I settled into my seat with the hope that I might be able to sleep during the flight but alas I had this woman beside me who was too chatty for my liking.
I tried answering all her questions with monosyllables and nods with smiles that said I want to be alone but either she chose to deliberately ignore or was just psychologically stupid not to pick up my innuendos. The former I later found out was the case. I gave up on sleep and chatted with the dimwit woman, or so I thought and found I had met a soul mate even though I was reluctant at first.
She brought out a book “Love Dare” which piqued my curiosity. “What book is that?”
“It’s a 40 days devotion on saving your marriage. They also have the film and the novel – Fireproof. You might be able to watch the movie on the flight.”
“No, give me a book on how to wreck a marriage. I am done with saving. It’s just too tiresome and yields no result.”
“Why don’t you watch the film? It’s a long flight, and you can tell me your thoughts on it.”
I reluctantly watched the film and had a thing or two to say. It looked like where my marriage was, but it was not in us women to wander. The unfaithful partner here was unbelievable the woman.
“It’s not for us to be unfaithful,” I commented to my new friend.
“But that is not to say we are saints. Can I let you into a secret? I have almost been there before sanity snatched me from the highway of destruction I was willingly walking.
It felt so right that it started as an innocent, genuine friendship. The man was having issues with his wife at home, and my husband was battling to save his business. Our lives were too busy and at varying tangents. I could do with a friend who genuinely cared.
We crossed boundaries with every red light shining, but I always rationalised it. Until the day we found ourselves in a hotel kissing and groping at each other. Like a flash of lighting, I was fortunate to come back to my senses. I knew it was wrong. I could not do it. I picked my clothes and ran out of the room.
My ears tingled as I looked at the woman before me. Infidelity is never written on faces and if it were, certainly not this lady sitting beside me. She looked noble, respected and contented. I wondered why she was telling me. She did not have a clue of what I was going through but was hitting deeply at the issues of my heart.
Why did you run? What came to your mind? I asked curiously wondering all the while if I had it me to be unfaithful. However doing it to hurt JK seemed a good excuse.
“Marriage is a covenant. Some say it’s a contract you do your part I do mine. When a marriage goes through stuff, it might be one person tirelessly doing the right thing without expecting a reward till the partner comes around. Therein, is the test of all marriages.
“I buy the contract school of thought. I am not stupid. We both come half way to the table. No one is superior to the other. You can’t go about misbehaving and expect the second party to keep doing it all to keep the home. I am at a place in my life where I am wondering if I should walk out or stay put,”
“I won’t be able to tell you which. I have not walked your road, but deep in your heart, you know what to do. You might want to try this before throwing the towel and walking away.
Watching the two most important women in my life walk in through the door was the best picture to behold.
One young and beautiful with the whole world ahead of her to take on while the other who has been by my side through thick and thin. I was on the thin verge of losing them both, but I was not going to give up. I was going to fight to get their affection back. To once again see the look of adoration in their eyes that spoke volumes of how important I was to them.
I mustered enough courage and faked a vibrancy I did not feel “Here come my girls!!!!”
I could sense Bimba seeking an escape as she fumbled in her bag until I heard her phone ring and she signalled to take the call which was a good excuse. However, without the call, she would have looked for another reason to get out of my presence.
Ever since she found out Lana was my biological daughter, she had moved out of our home but came to the office every day.
She had been civil and only discussed official matters. I wanted to give her the time and space she needed but now I needed to woo her back, or I might lose her forever.
Turning to Lana. “You should be home by now. It’s past your 6 hours of work.”
“Oh please Uncle Segun,” she said rolling her eyes. “I am as healthy as a horse. I do not need all the convalescence moves you have been pulling for the past couple of weeks.”
“Where were you coming from?”
“From the ………
She started to say but stopped midway.
My curiosity was piqued as I raised my eyebrows “when did you start keeping secrets from me?”
She shrugged and threw a barb at me “it starts one day, doesn’t it? You did keep who you were from me all my life.”
“If I could turn the hands of the clock backwards. I will Lana. I will say sorry a thousand times if it makes you feel better, or make the pain go away. I tried so many times to tell you, but there just was never the ideal time.
The period you moved to boarding school. I feared you would not take the news well, then you finished and passed with all distinctions. I wanted to shout it out to you, but it sounded selfish when all the hard work had been put in by others not me. You got admission to the university, and it did not look ideal to tell you at that time when you were testing the waters of freedom away from home. What if you reacted wrongly and flipped to the other side in rebellion. So I held on and kept postponing the day I would tell you.
Lana, I am sorry.” I had not realised the tears were trickling down my face as I pleaded with my daughter to forgive me.
I held out my arms hoping against hope that she would come for a hug just like the old times.
I could have leapt for joy as she ran into my arms crying a nerve racking sobs all over my crisp white shirt but what did it matter. She had found a place to forgive me, and that was what mattered the most.
*******
“Are you ready to see your birth mum?” I ventured to ask Lana.
I had taken it very slow with Lana not wanting to push her. She had not shown any interest in meeting up with her birth mum, and I had given up hoping that she would have other opportunities.
“I guess yes,” she smiled amidst the tears that laced her eyes. “I am tired of fighting. What harm would there be to hear what she has to say and make peace with her? We can’t take back the years we have lost, but we can build on the ones before us.”
I was happy at the wisdom of her words and could not be more proud she was my daughter and the opportunity I had to invest in her upbringing. I had Agnes to thank. If she had not given up Lana from birth, I would never have been this blessed to be a part of the great woman she has become. It was this gratitude I had that propelled me to help to bridge the relationship between mother and daughter. “Lana you are one smart and intelligent woman who I am happy to have known.”
“You are always filled with praise. I should have known long ago there was something beyond the uncle – niece relationship,” she smiled her eyes twinkling. Wiping her eyes and smoothening her dress, she stood up. I got to go.
“Would you try and call her today?” I can give you her number.” I got out my phone and sent the contact to her.
“I will call her now. There is no need to wait. I have waited too long to mend this relationship.”
“Come here,” I commanded and engulfed her in a fierce hug as tears threatened to drop. “My sunshine,” I murmured.
“Hmm, Uncle Segun, whatever happened to Auntie Bimba?”
“That is my number one sunshine, and you are the second.”
“Not the first huh?” Lana feigned hurt.
“No not the first. You will get married and be someone else first let my wife be my first,” I teased.
It was no hidden secret that I would choose Lana any day above Bimba after all that’s what I had always done in the past, but it never bothered her. Knowing Lana was my daughter might change all that, but I hope she could see that she was the most important person to me next to my child.
“Then you had better go there and let her know,” she challenged me.
“Since you have taken a bold step to see your birth Mum. I should take a cue from you and go declare my undying love for your aunt contrary to the rumours peddled by family members.”
“You heard?”
“I heard every word of it, and it was preposterous. Agnes is your mother and what we had has become history. She remains a friend but nothing more. I cannot love another person than your aunt. I breathe and live for her even if she is mad at me now.I intend to fight for what we have and get her back.
“I got to run, thank you, uncle. You got unfinished business here,” Lana said looking behind me.
I turned and was more surprised to see Bimba in my office.
Bimba
I strolled into Segun’s office to pick a document on a case we were working on when I heard his open declaration of affection for me. I know Segun has always loved me. There were no doubts about that fact but what I could not get around my head was his betrayal. How could he have kept such information from me all these years was my concern and how many more secrets has he kept from me?
Lana had a look I told you so with a twist of cheekiness to it as she hurriedly gave me a hug whispering, “Auntie let it go and let him love”, and glided out of the office.
Her words stunned me. The girl has grown wise over the years. Segun was not the only one who doted on her. I did not unashamedly. We both poured out our love for a child into Lana. I argued it was because she was the only niece who spent time at our place with many sleepovers and outings. Her parents were never afraid to send her over to our place unlike the rest of the family who was over protective of their children. Not that I blame them. Knowing the truth behind Lana’s parentage gave credence to the reason her parents were free to release her. After all, she was going to her father’s house.
Lana and I shared a bond fostered by her visits and time spent together talking and shopping. None of my other nieces and nephews could have bolstered the courage to book a doctor’s appointment without my prior consent and drive me there. The thought put a smile on my face which I was not aware was plastered on my face until I heard Segun clear his throat the way he did when he was nervous.
I focused my eyes on him, and I got lost with love I saw in those eyes. I felt the butterflies in my stomach and laughed inwardly at my foolishness. Why this feeling of giddiness like a love-struck teenager? My hormones must be having a joke at my expense.
Shifting my gaze way towards the file on Segun’s table, I walked past him to retrieve the document.”I came for this,” I picked the file and made my way to squeeze through the closed up space to escape as he moved towards me.
“What do I need to do to make you forgive me?” he asked brokenly touching a cord in my heart. I was not going to do this. I was not ready for a reconciliation till I had figured out what I wanted for my baby.
“You’ll go back,” a voice said to my head. As I argued with the voices in my head. I don’t know about that. I’m not sure if I wanted to go back. I could remain civil with the father of my child but to work on broken trust was a hard bit for me.
“I would work at gaining back your trust,” he said as if he could read my thoughts, his eyes darkening with a resolution I know he would fulfil
“I want to believe we can have what we had before. But I can’t work past the hurt lodged in my heart. There are days I honestly could pick a gun if given one and shoot you without remorse. There are other days I try to understand that you had a good reason but what I can’t comprehend is how you lied to me for twenty years with the reason for your lies within our reach. Every day you looked at her, and every time you made a big deal of the milestones in her life was an opportunity to tell me, but you did not and that I find it hard to forgive. You know why? Because you willfully and knowingly lied to me for all the years of our marriage. Our home was fabricated on lies.What we had is over Segun.”
My heart broke, but I knew it was the best for us. May be somewhere in the future we might find a place to work our way back to what we once shared. I was too hurt to see a way out right now and being truthful to myself was what I owed myself, and the child I carried.
I saw the pain flash through his eyes so fleeting and quickly replaced with an expressionless face.
“Do you want a divorce?”
My no was so quick and vehement, and I did not realise it until I saw the smug look on his face as he closed the gap and kissed my lips ever so lightly that I was not sure if the kiss did happen except for the feelings it evoked. I could never consider a divorce I just needed the space from him till I was able to work out my hurt. But in my quick answer and his smug look, it was easy to see his conclusion that there was still hope.
Me! Abimbade Folashade Adelakun is pregnant!! The joke of the century.
Ever since the Doctor broke the news, I have been like one in a trance.A dream I had long given up on after twenty years of marriage. Days of crying, depression, shame, guilt, questions and tears of why me?I shook my head sadly.I am pregnant at a time when I had given up all hope of ever carrying my child.
The nights, Segun would comfort and reassure me with words of encouragement and how I was worth more than ten children to him, but it was enough to make the longing go away. And now I was in a place where I despised him. I felt betrayed when I found out he had a child who was part of our lives and he never told me. I was still stewing in this hurt and pain, and now this one news we had both been looking forward to since we got married could not be shared.
My hands subconsciously went over my belly, as I tried to feel the new life I carried although there was nothing to show I was pregnant but the Doctors confirmation.
For a brief second it crossed my mind, what if the doctor was wrong? A dozen of gynaecologists had told me in my quest that they could not find any reason why I could not conceive. There was no gynaecologist within the radius of the country that did not have my file with some others in the United States and the United Kingdom. Always with the same result. “There is nothing wrong with you.”
In those early days, it was if the words sentenced me further down into a dungeon of doom. It could have been better if I had an ailment like a blocked fallopian tube or some diagnosis that we could find a solution, but with none, I had to wait for something close to a miracle I never knew what it was that could happen.
I tried the IVF severally to the point I was advised by the gynaecologist to stop concluding that my body kept rejecting it.
“Allow your body rest, and in its own time, you will conceive.” I scoffed at the Doctor, I needed a child and would do a many IVF’s as possible.IVF had to stop after several failed implants that did not yield my dream and millions of naira gone down the drain.
Oh, places my feet trod in the search for a child. I once visited a spiritualist recommended by a friend but took to my heels when he requested I had to have sex with him seven times as my anecdote to wash away the evil spell that had been cast on me, preventing me from conceiving a child.
I looked at the old greyed man with a brown set of broken teeth coloured by constant eating of kola nuts. My first impression of the man wrapped in a white cloth around his loins and red beads hanging on his neck and left wrist was a disaster waiting to happen. A blind man leading another blind man.
He sat there in his filthy hut, located in a deserted bush in one of the villages on the road to Abeokuta from Lagos. How my friend, a fellow learned colleague heard about this man is still a mystery. My friend told me I would not first or the last as people from all works of life with all kinds of problems streaming to him for a solution. He was so powerful that they all got their request granted.
I was desperate for a child but not so desperate to have sex with this creature. How could I possibly live with the thought? Seven days of such a horrible encounter was as good as a lifetime of torture and misery.I imagined that every time I had to have sex with Segun, It would be relieving the madness I had with him.
Sitting in the shamble of a makeshift shelter made of leaves and supported by wood dug into the ground, so filthy I had to hold my breath throughout my stay if that was possible but I think I did.I politely informed him, I needed to go home and prepare and would be back. Of course, I never went back.This experience ended my search ten years ago. I neither visited a gynaecologist nor the miracle baby providers. I long gave up.
There were times I thought of adoption, but I wanted kids out of my womb. I could not get the issue of adoption around my head. I settled as an avid giver to motherless babies homes and was responsible for the education of five children.They were all in different stages of secondary school now, and I started from their primary school.It was rewarding to hear of their excellent performance in school and know I was contributing to society by giving them an education that would make them better citizens.
I tried to think what it would be like having Lana in our lives but there was no point crying over spilt milk. Segun’s betrayal stung like the bite of a bee and stayed like a fish bone in your throat. The pain won’t go away, and the bone won’t go away, and you are as miserable as can be until you seek help.Like a snap, I had a light bulb moment! I needed help to get past the betrayal and not keep musing expecting it to go away naturally.
“Where have my favourite girls been?” was what I heard to bring me out of my reverie. The hiss died in my mouth. I had kept a professional attitude between Segun and me at work, and no one could have suspected that we were living apart except the news from the grapevine which you can’t do without in the office gossips.
I fumbled for my phone in my bag pretending to be so busy searching for the phone. Luckily a call came through, and I did not have to fake one.I signalled, I have to take this call and took a brisk walk to my office, closing my door and turning the lock. A good thing we did not operate the open glass office. There would have been no place to escape.
I have been avoiding any discussion with Segun that was not related to work. He knew it but was not giving up either. Sometimes I did feel like putting a knife through his heart so he could feel the pain he caused me. But on second thought that would be first-degree murder and after that, my surgeon in jail or the gallows. It was not worth it. No man was worth killing no matter the crime he committed.
How could I be angry with him and still be drawn to him? I wanted to harm him and wanted his arms around me. I wanted to be far away from him but still behold his face and bask in his presence. Hate won over love, and I was yet to figure out what to do.
He had a right to hear about our baby, but I could not give him the luxury of a happy feeling. No, I shook my head vehemently. Until I figured out what to do, I would not mention the child.I dropped on the sofa at work, tired of my mental battles and took a deep breath in and exhaled, hoping to let go the negative feelings and thoughts.
21stcenturybelle 